The Journal
Disclaimer: Potential language warning. September 2019 September 12 I made this page as a sort of journal, even though I have a physical notebook to write in as well. My goal is to update this daily, or at least on a somewhat regular basis, and I'm doing this for two reasons: to get me to write more and to have stuff written down so I won't forget that it happened. There have been many instances where I've gone back to an old journal of mine and seen gaps between entries, and I always wondered what I had done during those days, the days where nothing was written. In the moment, I think that the event is important enough that I'll remember it (and I'm just too damn lazy to write it down), but later on, I forgot bits and pieces of it or that it even happened at all. So here's Samurai's journal, a page to be filled with tea (as in gossip) and random thoughts. ______ Let's start today off with some VERY exciting news. I don't know how I didn't realize this, BUT..... YOUNG SAMURAI BOOK 9 COMES OUT NEXT HECKING WEEK https://youngsamurai.fandom.com/wiki/The_Return_of_the_Warrior I'm screaming September 13 Today was decent - at least, it has been so far - and that's weird, given how the past couple weeks have gone. There were some good things too, of course, but for the most part? Not fun. It was just one thing after the other that didn't go right, and it was pretty frustrating. I'm trying to learn to just relax and stop getting so stressed out and anxious over everything, but it's not easy. I want everything to go right and the way I want, but that's not how life works. If there's anything I've learned, it's that sometimes, no matter how hard you work, things still don't go right, and that's okay. As long as you tried your hardest, it doesn't matter how you did. Torturing yourself over a failure and putting yourself down is a waste of time - don't dwell on how your efforts amounted to nothing, because they did amount to something. You learned something from it, didn't you? There. That's something. So learn from it, learn from it and move on. Don't dwell on failure, because otherwise, that's all you'll ever know. September 14 So I'm looking for a new taekwondo school, and I've found a few, but I'm still trying to find the courage to actually go and check them out. Walking in there by myself to ask them stuff kind of scares me, but what I'm really worried about is messing up again. The last time I switched taekwondo schools, my mental state was heck so you can imagine how that went. I made a boatload of enemies within the first two weeks (and I got in a fight which, contrary to popular belief, I did not start). So I don't want that to happen again. And I'm afraid of being judged too. And I can never just keep my mouth shut, so I'm going to say a ton of stupid things just like always. And I have no confidence. I want this to be a new start, and I hope things will change, but they might not. In fact, a new place might be worse. The people might be even more toxic. And this time, I'm completely on my own - I don't know anyone. The last time I switched, I kind of had a friend already, but this time? Nope. ____ So...I've kind of narrowed it down to two places, though there are still other ones I'm going to check out as well. One place is a smaller school (at least, I think so, given that they only have one instructor besides two or three assistants) and the instructor sounds awesome. The other place has more people (hmm....) but there's a poomsae team. September 15 Okay, I've definitely scratched one place off my list. The one with the poomsae team apparently has belt testing fees, which serve no purpose other than to make the school more money. It's unfortunate that many instructors seem to be more like greedy businessmen than teachers. How about you focus on helping your students become better people and sharing your love of martial arts instead of trying to empty everyone's wallets? The old place was toxic, but they didn't have testing fees, I'll give them that. Anyway, as much as I wanted an easy route to competing for poomsae, that place is way too expensive. Belt testing fees . . . really? I'm here to get a new lengthy piece of fabric, not to take my SAT. Different topic, but still taekwondo-related - I'd prefer a place that has an adult class separate from the teen one, considering that toxic teenagers were my main reason for leaving the old place. And if I need to lie about my age to get into said adult class, I will. I'm tired of being judged, laughed at, and talked down to; I'm not putting up with that. Yes, I know, that's really all the world throws at you, but I should be able to enjoy a taekwondo class without feeling like crap about myself. September 16 I've spent the majority of this evening doing homework, but that's okay. My grades aren't as bad as I thought they would be - I have all A's and one B (Calculus, which is to be expected). Whee. September 21 Ended up not writing anything for this, oops. September 24 My nose is stuffy, but hey. Today was good. I found a new taekwondo school and called them by myself, so I'm pretty proud of that. I usually make someone else call places for me because I get so anxious, especially when it comes to stuff like this. But I talked to them myself, and they texted me a schedule, and I'm trying out a class tomorrow. They don't want me to wear my old uniform top for obvious reasons (old school's logo is on it), so I get to roll up in a T-shirt, hehe. Probably going to wear my Vegeta tanktop: T-shirts are heck, so yeah. Tanktops are better. I'm wearing that. Anyway, I'm pretty excited! I'm hoping it will be a much better environment than the other place, and that the people will be nicer. The only downside is that I have to miss the Writing Club's first meeting - I want to go, but I wouldn't have a way to get home if I stayed after school, so I can't. We have too much going on tomorrow evening, and my trial class only adds to that. The lady I talked to on the phone seemed nice, so I'm hopeful. I'm also in a much better mental/emotional state than I was two years ago (when I started at the other place), so I'll be able to interact with people better and won't be putting up all those walls. And I'm more mature now, at least I think, and better at dealing with things. ____ I just want to write for a minute about how I don't like reading. Books are great. They're important windows of knowledge and without them, human society wouldn't be the same. But I don't find reading enjoyable, and I never set aside time specifically to sit down with a book. Reading was ruined for me a long time ago, when all those comprehension questions started coming into play when I started public school in 3rd grade. And reading tests - that made me resent it even more. All the answers seem right to me - it's just a matter of which answer the test wants, and that's annoying. I don't like pouring over a lengthy passage and having to go back to determine which line best supports the statement that Timmy likes green beans with salsa. I read quite a bit until about 8th grade, and that was it. Haven't found a book I liked since. Young Samurai is back for a ninth book, as I said the other week. I'm progressing very slowly through The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings trilogy. But that's pretty much it. I'd rather have full control over the story, so I write my own stuff, and it's a lot more fun. They say reading makes you a better writer, and while I guess that's true, writing makes you an even better writer. September 25 I took my first class today, and it was awesome. I hadn't had a taekwondo class that was actually fun in such a long time (training with my friends is fun, of course, but beyond that...). The two instructors who were there were very nice, and I got so many compliments on my technique, and that...that hasn't happened in a long time. Like...it has, but I never believed it until now, and I don't know how to explain it, but this place is just different. And it's a good kind of different. Apparently they do sparring on Wednesdays (I did not know this) so I roll in there without my sparring stuff. Everyone else is showing up with sparring pads and oof. I was fine, though - I was one of the oldest people in the class, and little kids don't kick that hard. And even if they did, I train with guys - I can take it. I get some BRUISES from them, let me tell you. October 2019 October 1 I'm not good keeping up with this. But since I'm trying to be more positive and all that, here's a list of things I am good at: # Writing! Lots of people have complimented me on it, so it's time to accept that it's good. # Taekwondo! The master at the new place told me many times over how good I was. # Drawing! There's always, always, always room for improvement, but I love my drawings a lot. # Memorizing things! Sometimes my memory is heck, but when it comes to remembering facts and formulas, I'm a master. # Putting metaphors and similes together! It's one of the things I like the most about my writing. I also like my use of diction and syntax, powerful word choice and purposeful sentence structure. # Getting good grades without even trying! Though math is sometimes exempt from this, I can get away with not studying and still score a 90-100%! That's an A- to A+ here. # Not giving up! If I start something, I always finish it, and I never quit. I found that the root of my problem was two things: jealousy and fear of being prideful or arrogant. I learned that you can't waste your time comparing yourself to other people, and you know what? You're better at something than they are. They can't do everything, even if it seems that way. And as far as not wanting to be prideful goes, being confident isn't being prideful. Being confident is good. You want to be confident in your powers and abilities, all the things you're good at and all the strengths you have. You don't want to see yourself as better than everyone else, and you won't, because that isn't what confidence means. Confidence means loving who you are and being proud of what you can do. You can't become the person you want to be until you learn to accept and be confident in yourself. October 3 Getting better takes time. It's little changes each day - you can't do it all at once. You'll make mistakes - you'll definitely make mistakes. But don't let that discourage you, because you're still taking those steps and you're still trying. * Recognize where your faults are - only then will you be able to fix them. * Actually take steps to fix your faults - do you NEED to submit that petty rant and make the other person feel bad, which will only make YOU feel bad? Do you NEED to be rude to the person who asked to sit next to you on the bus? You have every right to be annoyed or irritated - what you don't have the right to do is make other people feel bad as a result. It'll only hurt you later, and who likes to feel bad about stuff? No one. Keep your emotions inside, write about it later if you need to, and move on. Little things don't matter, and sometimes big things don't matter either. October 4 Heck October 8 Everyone‘s obsessing over Homecoming and I’ve never wanted to go less. I just don't see the fun in going to a dance with awful music and a ton of people. I might go next year just because it'll be the last time, but then again, maybe not. The tickets are too expensive and there are so many other things I'd rather do on a Saturday night. _____ I can't believe how well the first chapter of Path of Legends is coming along. I've restarted it what feels like hundreds of times, but this time, I think I found a beginning that I'm happy with. Of course, I've said that before, so who knows? Might start over again. But you get to a point where you've restarted the book so many darn times that you're ready to just pick something and move on. It's good enough. I love all the beginnings I've written - it was just a matter of which one felt right. Does this one feel right? It feels more right than the other ones. Is it perfect? Writing can never be perfect, but I'm happy with it, so in my eyes, yes. October 12 My lip is busted again. Yesterday, I was holding a target for a classmate's power breaking combination, and the strike I was holding for was elbow strike. They had a pretty good one, and I wasn't holding the target high enough the first time. So the second time, I thought I had it at a good height, and I did. The only problem was that it was right in front of my face. I didn't realize that (when I say "face", I mean the lower half of it), so when they hit it, the target hit me, and I bit my lip. I'm pretty used to getting hit in the face with stuff because of the sheer number of times it's happened, so I was laughing. I jokingly said, "Let me make sure I still have all my teeth," and went over to the mirror. There was blood, and I was a little surprised. Left for a second to take care of it, came back, moved on with life. It's funny because something always happens to my face right before homecoming. Except for last year, so I guess it doesn't always happen, but two out of three homecomings, it has. Anyway, I should've gone this year, because I went freshman year with a busted lip - it's tradition. October 21 Two things: # Yesterday was my birthday and I feel old now. # I finally watched The Last Samurai on Saturday and it's easily one of the best movies I've seen, though it was also very emotional. The latter being said, I need to take a minute to scream. K A T S U M O T O J U S T '' ''H A D T O D I E , D I D N ' T H E ? My favorite character always gets killed off, and it's quite heartbreaking. He died with honor, which is what he lived for, and he knew the age of the samurai was over and he wanted to die with it, but STILL. "Tell me how he died." "I will tell you how he lived." That got me. I felt the tears burning my eyes, man. October 22 Today has been kind of a crappy day. I'm not feeling the greatest, and my anxiety skyrocketed because it's the end of the quarter and you know how that goes. I've been apprehensive about working with other people today, and my brain is giving me that constant "You're not good enough" or "You're not doing well enough". I know I'm doing fine, but I'm worried as heck about my grades. And it pisses me off that it's this way - school has given me anxiety because of the nonstop TESTING, GRADES, WORRYING ABOUT DOING GOOD ON THIS AND DOING GOOD ON THAT, WORRYING ABOUT HAVING THE BEST NUMBER. I hate that all I am to anyone is a number, a GPA, an average. My qualities don't matter to them, because all they care about is test scores and looking good as a school. Anyway...I'm kind of done with school today. I'm kind of done with this week. I want to take a second and breathe, take a moment and rest, but I have so much to do that I can't. How did I find the time to write this? I made time. Can I make time for rest and self-care? The school won't let me do that, because I have to finish this and finish that and get a good score on this and... I'm tired. _____ GOOD THINGS ABOUT THIS WEEK: # I was offered the position of copy editor for the school newspaper staff. There are four of us. # The latest bit of the limits unit makes more sense now. # I started adapting Path of Legends into a manga - while the manga isn't anything official, it's a lot of fun and it's cool to see just how much I can draw. Each book is going to have a short manga in the back, so it's good to practice for that. I have a while yet, since I have to finish the manuscript, get an editor, find a publisher, etc., so I have plenty of time to get better at foreshortening, action shots, all that. # I drew some pictures that I like very much. # I've been spending more time with Rocket! Oftentimes I get caught up in stuff and don't pet him very much, but lately, we've been homework buddies. # I still have an entire birthday cake, since I made two, and it's red velvet. # Path of Legends is coming along well! Category:Content (Samurai) October 23 We had our first editorial board meeting this morning, and there’s a lot of other stuff going on today and the rest of this week. Between the things I have to do and the things I want to do, it’s hard to get a break. October 25 It irritates me that we have school on Veterans' Day. People not having Veterans' Day off is like not acknowledging it as a holiday. It's like treating it like any other day, while it's supposed to be special. It's supposed to be a day where we honor those who fought for us and continue to do so today. Maybe stores will do a special sale or some sort of promotion. But beyond that, Veterans' Day doesn't get a lot of attention, and it needs to. Vets need to know they are appreciated and that we are thankful for their sacrifices. But Veterans' Day is too often dismissed as any other day. Where's the gratitude? Where's us honoring our vets? It pisses off my dad a lot that Veterans' Day isn't a day we have off - he's a retired major in the Air Force - and my mom doesn't like that either (she served four years in the Air Force and left to raise us kids). And it bothers me a lot too because, coming from a military family, I think veterans deserve all the help and recognition and appreciation they can get. Veteran's Day needs to be recognized more. My brother is active duty in the Air Force. So's my sister-in-law and a number of my cousins. I have cousins who are Marines, uncles who were Marines, uncles who were in the Army. My grandfather was in the Navy. My great-uncle served in Vietnam. My great-grandfather served in World War II. That being said, the military is a big part of my family, and that's why Veterans' Day is so important to me. But it shouldn't just be me or a few people - it should be important to everyone. These men and women didn't fight for me - they fought for all of us, and we need to thank them for that. My school doesn't do anything for Veterans' Day. No one writes letters to troops. No one does something special. No one acknowledges it hardly at all. When I was in elementary school, we had an assembly every Veterans' Day where family members of students who had served came in (and I think it was other veterans in the community too) and had all the branch songs sung for them (and some other songs too that related to Veterans' Day). We need to do something like that. We need to acknowledge and celebrate this holiday. I'm going to see if I can start something. Anything. At the very least, I'm going to put American flags around the school. Because there are brave men and women who have fought for us or are still fighting for us, and they fought/are fighting to protect our freedoms. Should a vet stumble across this, I want to say thank you. It's because of you and your brave sacrifices that the ground on which I stand is free ground, and you make sure that ground stays free. Thank you. October 26 Today wasn't terribly eventful, but here's a list of the things I did: # Worked on Path of Legends early this morning. # Got up late. I meant to get up at 7, but I got up at 10:30 instead. # Went to Kohl's and spent a good chunk of time there. We paid and then realized we forgot the pajama pants I'd wanted, so we went back for those. Here was our haul: ## dinosaur blanket (yes, and they are Christmas dinosaurs too) ## the pajama pants we forgot ## shorts (they're cheaper this time of year, and I only had one good pair) ## two sweaters ## a polar bear towel (birthday gift for my mom) # Went to the grocery store, and I'm trying to eat healthier again but I got a bunch of candy and God knows what else. # Went to Panera because the last thing I'd eaten was a Reese's peanut butter cup at 11pm. I got a small mac and cheese, a small broccoli cheddar soup, a blueberry muffin, and a baguette. Very good food. # Came home and did absolutely nothing. _____ We started watching The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey last night, and my dad can't stand it. He doesn't like fantasy. My mom isn't really following it and doesn't like fantasy that much either, but she says she thinks Elrond ("that elf dude they were talking to") is hot. I'm here like... Wait until you meet Legolas in Lord of the Rings-'' November 2019 November 1 Today started off great. Later on in the day? Not so good. * crap happened with my mom * my dad isn't in a great mood either * no one wanted to take me to taekwondo and I can't drive myself (scared of driving) so that sucked * I don't really like cats that much, but there was this internet cat I really loved, Sir Thomas Trueheart - he was a rescue cat who stood for forgiveness, compassion, and love. He passed away today. I'm not going to pretend I didn't cry over this. The last thing on that list is by far the worst thing that happened today. November 3 I started to learn 3D animation today, except I need to buy a mouse because trying all of this with only a trackpad is kind of a pain. November 4 Turns out my dad had a spare mouse. So now it should be a lot easier to use all the program's features (if anyone's curious, I'm using Blender because I don't have any money). November 5 I didn't have a very productive weekend in terms of schoolwork, but I cleaned my room (yay) and tried to cook a few things. Pretty much the only thing I can make is a grilled cheese sandwich, and even then, I keep getting told off for not cleaning the skillet right. I have a chemistry test tomorrow and a math test on Thursday, so we're starting the week off nice and stressful. Yes. Starting. We had a four-day weekend. I probably should have studied this weekend, but forget it. That's all I've been doing for weeks, and I think I damn well deserve a break. November 6 I got Young Samurai #9 today, so that was spicy. I normally don’t like reading, but YS is different. I’m not sure exactly what it is about it that makes it actually enjoyable to read, but it’s awesome — I’ve tried other books about samurai, and they’re just not the same. Supposedly it’s the last one, but there need to be more. Or at least start another samurai series, Chris. November 7 Today was one heck of a mess, but more on that some other time—I need to go write. November 9 Taekwondo has been wack, but mostly in a good way. '''Wednesday: '''Wednesday is sparring night, and it went okay for the most part. I'm not afraid of sparring anymore, having left that toxic environment and had more positive experiences with it, so it was fine as far as sparring itself goes. But there's this one little kid who's incredibly disrespectful and rude to me, and I don't like sparring with him because I don't need to be talked to like that. This little kid is very competitive and wants to be the best at everything, so I understand why he keeps being rude and whatnot, but that doesn't give him an excuse. Obviously, I'm not going to let a 7-year-old ruin everything, so whatever, but I'm a little irritated that I don't get the respect that the other adults get. @Little kid, I'm not in your age group - don't talk to me like I am, and whether someone's your age or not, you have no right to talk to them like that. I experienced this as an assistant instructor too, and frankly, I'm tired of it. Rant done. '''Thursday:' Long story short, I was called up for poomsae (form) and had a very convenient mental breakdown, so that was fun. My solution for these is to leave and hide in the bathroom, which I did countless times at the old place, so that's what I did, and I regretted it immediately for several reasons. One: it was one of the reasons everyone hated me at the old place, because look at that unstable brat. Two: I had a huge problem with not staying in class at the old place, and my mom would have killed me if she knew I'd left again. Three: I thought I had just ruined my chances with these people, rendering this new start a waste of time. Someone who leaves class crying can't be an instructor, right? And no one wants to be their friend, right? Eventually someone came and talked to me, and then we were told to come back, and I didn't want to go back because I was so embarrassed that this happened. I couldn't look anyone in the face, but they got me to go back, and we had about ten minutes left of class. It was a long ten minutes. The floor became the most interesting thing in the entire world - I couldn't stop staring at it in my self-consciousness. Class ended some time later, and after class, we always go up and shake hands with the masters because that's important. I didn't want to because they had both seen what happened, but I also didn't want to be rude, so I went anyway. I don't know what I was expecting - something like "Get your sh*t together", probably - but definitely not the support I got. They said it was okay, these things happen, we love you, and they both hugged me, so... To say the least, it's a much better environment than the old place. And it's nice that I have people here I can rely on. '''Friday: '''It was one of the masters' birthdays and we had a lot of fun. No mention of the events of the day prior, which was good because I thought people would hold that against me like at the old place, even though both of the masters said it was fine. I relearned il-jang, ee-jang, and sam-jang, which were in the depths of my memory but needed some help surfacing. So now I know those - only five more to review. '''Saturday: '''Saturday is the longer class - 1 hour and 45 minutes - and I barely made it through, haha. He said he's making it shorter by fifteen minutes or so (maybe more), and personally, I don't think he should because while it's definitely not an easy class, I need that. Anyway, it was fun, though I showed up 15 minutes late because I thought it started later. Oops. But they said it was fine, and we worked on lots of stuff, mostly my round kick. I never thought there was very much to it, but apparently I'm missing a lot of details, so it was good to learn what they were and how to fix them. November 11 Happy Veterans Day. :) November 18 Brighter Than 1000 Suns has good covers. Go check them out. You know what, here's a whole LIST of good people for music (not in any specific order): # Brighter Than 1000 Suns # Jonathan Young # Caleb Hyles # 331Erock # Skillet # Three Days Grace By a whole LIST, I mean 6 ARTISTS. WHEE. I should broaden my musical horizons, but I don't care. I listen to the same stuff on loop all day. Pretty sure most of us do. Category:Stories